If you were an animal…

My Dad often has to interview people for his company. He usually interviews people together with a colleague. One of his colleagues has a favourite question which he presents to every person they think is a potential candidate: If you were to be reincarnated as an animal, which animal would you be?

My Dad and his colleague were once interviewing a person who was doing really well so far. He had answered all the questions confidently and looked like a good candidate. So my Dad’s colleague (let’s call him Bob for simple’s sake) asks the surprise question.

Obviously, the candidate was taken back. No one expects a question like that. The candidate gave it a few seconds thought, and replied, “a bear.”

Fair enough. But why?

“Because they get to sleep all winter.”

Uh-oh. BAD answer. Fortunately after a bit of quick thinking, the candidate explained that he REALLY chose a bear because it work extremely hard before the winter, when it would sleep. A bear has to collect enough food to last him the entire winter. The candidate said a bear shows great discipline – working extremely hard when it has to, and relaxing when it wants to. Nice save.

The candidate then asked Bob what animal he would like to be reincarnated as. Bob chose an eagle: “Eagles are able to soar in the air above the world completely free of any problems and worries of any kind, simply enjoying being able to fly.”

The candidate then asked my Dad what animal he would like to become. My Dad replied, “A chimpanzee.”

“Other animals could be in paradise but wouldn’t know how to appreciate their environment. An eagle could soar above the clouds but wouldn’t be able to think about how beautiful the view is or how free it is flying through the air. However, chimpanzees are the most intelligent animals in the world. A chimpanzee would be able to look at the forest and appreciate how truly beautiful the forest is.”

Upon my Dad’s answer, Bob grumpily turned to him and said, “Oi! You just shot down my eagle!”

Personally, I would like to become a horse. Horses are extremely powerful and can control their power. They are fast, trustworthy and disciplined.

What animal would you like to be?

Tomorrow?

I like thinking about the future. It makes me laugh. The past and the present are boring – you can’t change them. No matter what, last year’s Christmas will always be the same. But the future is different. There are a million different endings that YOU can choose, and no one will tell you to think differently.

You want to become a national idol? Just picture yourself on the stage of American Idol singing with the voice of Michael Buble or Mariah Carey. Then imagine Simon Cowell complimenting you and shaking your hand. This’ll probably never happen, but it makes you feel good, doesn’t it?

Trivia: did you know that Simon Cowell was offered to become the ‘face of Viagra’? Unfortunately, he turned it down last year.

Back on topic. Personally, I can imagine myself going to school tomorrow wearing a bunny suit. I probably won’t, but it’s funny when I think about it. Ha ha.

In fact, thinking about the future can be amusing AND very helpful. For example, recently I have been doing my university interviews. Before each of these interviews, I’d spend a bit of time in the shower just picturing answers to possible questions. This helps to boost my confidence and helps prepare me for each interview. I also like throwing myself an odd ‘unexpected’ question every now and then – just to prepare my mind to think ‘out of the box’. And that’s what interviewers like.

Just be careful. I often can get so engrossed in my ‘mind wanderings’ that I’d lose focus on where I am or what I’m doing. I’d then say something stupid or embarrassing loudly for everyone to hear. I was once in the bathroom and picturing myself meeting the girl of my dreams and saying something witty to her. Unfortunately, my Dad was passing by outside and it sounded to him as though I was flirting with myself.

That’s when I was rudely brought back to the present. Ouch.

Have you had any personal experiences with your ‘mind wanderings’? Do share them!

Artificial Intelligence

Being my first post in almost a year, I doubt anyone will read this. But I thought it’d be nice to restart my blog with a thought-provoking discussion I had over at a forum I frequent.

Now, what is Artificial Intelligence, otherwise known as AI? The American Heritage Dictionary defines AI as ‘The ability of a computer or other machine to perform actions thought to require intelligence. Among these actions are logical deduction and inference, creativity, the ability to make decisions based on past experience or insufficient or conflicting information, and the ability to understand spoken language.‘

Everyone has wondered if humans will one day ever be able to create a robot possessing AI so advanced that it can act human. To answer this, I decided to compare humans and robots in general.

• Humans are made of organic material (carbon based) while robots are currently made of inorganic material (metals).
• Humans have a super advanced brain connected by a infinitely-complicated system of nerves while robots have a (relatively) simple computer connected together with wires.
• Humans sustain ourselves by eating food (chemical energy) while robots sustain themselves by some form of electrical energy.
• Human reactions are programmed into us by a combination of our environment and our genes. Robot ‘minds’ are also programmed into them by humans. Sure, you can claim that robots are able to learn from the environment, but humans programmed the robots to be able to learn from the environment in the first place. (This is hugely controversial depending on your position on free-will, but for the purpose of my discussion, let us assume free-will is non-existent.)

Those are a few basic comparisons, but I think you all can figure out what I’m getting at. A human is simply a super-advanced robot. While humans (and actually all life around) were made by evolution or a creator (depending on your view), robots are made by humans.

When I made this point on the forums, many people argued with me saying that one cannot program a ‘common sense’ into a robot. I disagree.

What is common sense? My common sense may not be the same as your common sense. It is simply a set of ‘ground-rules’ and automatic reactions our mind has due to what our environment has drilled into us. Different environment = different common sense.

For example, one piece of common sense is never to stick your hand into an electric socket. But how did we learn this? It is because when we were babies, our parents would slap our hands whenever we tried to stick them into electric sockets. This is the ‘input of data’ that our brains have processed and stored, and hence we have learned and developed this ‘common sense’ of not sticking our hands into sockets.

If an robot were to be programmed with a similar procedure to learn from its surroundings, then it would have ‘common sense’ too.

The person also argued that ‘We can choose the illogical choice for any random motive that is irrelevant to the decision. AI on the other hand, could be programmed to choose one or the other, or any of the two at random, but you can’t tell it to make up a motive and choose a choice because that leaves an infinite range of possibilities for it to think through which would then leave it stuck.’

Sometimes we pick illogical choices for other reasons. Essentially, it is still just a much more complex system of ‘yes-no’ answers. An AI that “would process past events, determine the probably result of two or more options, and then choose the logical one unless programmed otherwise” is simply a very basic version of the human mind, as we take into account our habits, character and other factors into account before making our choice. ‘Instinct’ is based on habit.

Essentially, my point is I really don’t see why humans will one day not be able to make an ‘artificial intelligence’ as advanced as the human brain. It may take us billions of years (assuming we haven’t blown ourselves up before then) to create something so advanced, but so did evolution. Just give it time.

All those in favour, please squawk!

What do you guys think about electing a penguin as our next president?

I think it would be a great idea. The only real problems the penguins would face would be making sure there will be enough krill, squid and fish for everyone to eat and that everyone was sexy enough for the mating seasons. Apart from these, no bummers.

Corruption wouldn’t be a problem, money would probably just cause them to squawk and wobble away to look after their eggs. No oil problems, no WMDs, no terrorists. Just world peace.

Imagine how simple the world would become. Everything could become very systematic. Every year, August through September would be assigned as the fishing months. Febuary through March would be assigned as the mating months.

This way, humans will all have their fair share of food and sex. No murderers, robbers or rapists.

Who could ask for anything more?

The next time the elections come up in your country, remember my advice. Do the world a great favour, and vote a penguin.

It’s Back To, ‘Porn on Disney’!

Another article a friend showed me:

Cable operator Comcast is investigating how hardcore pornography was broadcast during a popular cartoon program on the Disney Channel.

Customer Paul Dunleavy would also like to know. He was stunned Tuesday morning to find his 5-year-old son watching something other than “Handy Manny,” a cartoon about a bilingual Latino handyman and his talking tools. “It was two people doing their thing, it was full-on and it was disgusting,” the Middletown father of three told The New York Daily News for Wednesday newspapers. “I couldn’t believe it.”

Fred DeAndrea, a spokesman for Philadelphia-based Comcast, confirmed the programming error occurred around 9:30 a.m. Tuesday. He described it as an “isolated issue in a local New Jersey facility.”

“We automatically detected the issue and it was corrected promptly. We apologize to any customer who experienced an issue yesterday morning,” said DeAndrea, who said the mistake was made by his company, not Disney. DeAndrea declined to provide the duration of the pornography broadcast, how many homes it reached, how the mistake happened and whether anyone will be disciplined for the X-rated error.

“My son was extremely upset because he thought he’d done something wrong,” Dunleavy said, “and we’re hoping what he saw doesn’t become an issue for him.”

Now that’s a pretty big ‘mistake’ to make. Not an easy one, either. You’d have to be a real idiot to mistake a porno for an innocent cartoon involving talking tools.

But I don’t think broadcasting companies employ idiots in such important positions. More likely, I think this was a secret marketing ploy by Disney. Many teenagers don’t see watching Disney to be very ‘cool’. After this, millions would now be watching the Disney channel day after day, hoping for more of that old Disney magic. Woah.

And of course, there will be millions of lawsuits. And not just from people with young kids who may have been ’scarred for life’, but desperate adults too, who probably just realised how bad their sex lives has been.

Hey, anything for a little extra money, right?

I am rather thankful I am not Comcast’s lawyer. I find it rather hard to imagine what to say in their defense. I don’t think there is any ‘Section 17 sub-section e‘ which legalises showing porn on children channels. The best I can think of is:

“Your honour, it was just a little porn. A little porn has never physically hurt anyone, has it?”

Then again, I was never a very creative person. But I would be telling the truth. No physical harm was caused, apart from possibly painful erections for thousands of 5-year-old boys. But hell, where’s the proof?

The broadcasting company suffered all the lawsuits. And Disney now have a much larger audience.

In the end, I think this was pure Disney marketing genius.

Driving in China

China has a fifth of the number of cars but has twice the number of road fatalities than the US. That means it has a 900% higher fatality per car rate. That’s a pretty big number. Very worrying, too.

Surprised? Wait.

Driving tests in China are … well, different. And I’m not just talking about the practical test, where a bribe of about 10 USD will be enough to ensure you pass. If so, Indonesia would have an even higher death rate, with the average accepted bribe being about 2 or 3 USD.

Nope. I’m talking about the theory section.

If any of you readers have ever tried to take the theory section of the Chinese driving test, you will know what I’m talking about. Especially foreigners who try to take it in English. The theory test is a mixture of confusing, silly, and sometimes worrying questions.

Admittedly, some of the mistakes may be attributed to being lost in translation. But some of the questions are so easy that they seem to be taken from an IQ test for a 6 year old.

Blowing the horn in an area or section where horn blowing is prohibited is not permitted. True or false?

Oooh. Hard. Then there are others.

If a motor vehicle is passing through an intersection without a traffic light or traffic sign, should it give right of way to vehicles that have a green light?

I think the idea is to have some ridiculously easy questions and some confusingly hard questions. They compromise each other, resulting in a ‘normal’ test. This way, no one would look like complete idiots if they took the test as they would all get a decent score. Anyone who failed with a completely dismal score (20% or lower) would probably be sent to an asylum for the rest of their lives where they would be force-fed the abc. I’m not sure if the idea worked though.

It is well known that Chinese people are notoriously famous for spitting everywhere. In classrooms, in lifts, and in shopping malls. There is no reason to think that they don’t spit in their cars.

So it should come as no surprise when this questions pops up.

What should a driver do when he needs to spit while driving? a, spit through the window; b, spit into a piece of waste paper, then put it in a garbage can; or c, spit on the floor of the vehicle?

Apparently, the real answer is b. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was one of the more harder questions.

After you consider these questions, it would be another surprise to find out that the pass mark for the theory test is 90%. Anyone who receives a lower score is forced to watch a (probably pirated) DVD of burnt cars, totaled trucks and twisted motorbikes.

Another question that popped up -

If your petrol tank catches fire, do you douse it with water, use a carbon dioxide fire extinguisher, or cover the flames with cotton-padded clothes?

The correct answer is c.

Really? I think I’d just run away with my clothes on, thank you very much.

Who says nothing is for free?

Many of my friends (mostly female, unsurprisingly) can think of nothing better to do than aimlessly walking around a shopping mall with a wallet bursting with cash.

Unfortunately, many of my friends don’t have the luxury of parents who are willing to get rid of them with a fist-wad of cash every afternoon. So they go for the next best thing – window shopping.

For several years I have always wondered how someone could enjoy wandering in a mall without being able to buy anything. Then I was lucky enough to find a book in an airport today that enlightened me.

It turns out you CAN go shopping for free. Un-friggin’-believable? Let me explain.

The first thing you should do is head to the cosmetics section. Pick a lipstick, a perfume, anything you want, and ask the friendly unsuspecting assistant if you can try them on ‘because you just wanna check if they’re the ones your friend recommended.’ Make SURE you say ‘recommended’, and the shop assistant will swell with pride and literally push the goods towards you.

There. You’ve just started your day, and you’re already looking glamorous for free. What a start.

After you’re beautiful and smelling nice, visit the nearby clothes store. Take a couple shirts and whatever you want and bring them into the changing rooms. Try them on. If you like them, take a couple pictures of yourself on your camera phone so you can post them on your blog later.

Now you should head over to the bookstore. Yeah I can hear a few protests, but wait. In the past, that’s where all the nerdy people were. Now, it’s full of pushy chairs, serenity and a peaceful soothing environment. Not to mention the comics, magazines, and (surprisingly) books for all sorts of people that are screaming to be read.

And that’s what you’ll do. Just spend an hour or two, and you’ll have finished reading that new 250-page bestseller that’s selling for $30 for the cost of … $0.

Next, head over to the music store. After bobbing your head to the new hit by Kelly Clarkson that’s playing in the background for a couple minutes, nab a couple CDs of your choice and spend as long as you want just listening to them. Once you’re done, hand the CDs over to the shop assistant with a nice smile and comment on his nice tie as you walk smugly out of the shop.

Hungry yet? Head over to the supermarket. Pick up an empty shopping basket, and you will immediately be set upon by many assistants clambering to give you a free sample of their product. Now it’s time to be choosy.

Start with the main course. Head up and down the fish aisle and you may be lucky enough to bump into a sushi sampler. Try one type. Try another type too. Then simply say, “Ooh, very nice… Mmmm… I still can’t decide which one to buy. May I try them again?” Take another two. Then, satisfy the poor shop assistant, and take two or three packets of the sushi and put them into your still-empty shopping basket.

Now this part is sheer genius: simply turn into another aisle, and drop the sushi packets into one of the shelves. But make sure the first shop assistant is not watching anymore or she may confront you.

Repeat this as many times as you want in the supermarket until you’re full. But make sure you leave at the OPPOSITE end of the supermarket as you came in – you don’t want all those shop assistants to see you leaving with an empty shopping baskets.

Now I’m sure you can use these techniques to get several other items for free. The possibilities are almost endless. Just make sure to rotate shopping malls every once in a while so no one remembers you.

And that book that enlightened me with all these priceless ideas? I left it on its shelf and went home.

P.S. – Sorry if guys feel that my post is targeted towards girls. I still can’t imagine any guys window shopping.

Politically Insane

The world today is continuously trying to stamp out racism. Mostly for good reasons too. But seriously, I think we go too far sometimes.

One of the more popular nursery rhymes we all know is the immortal “Baa baa, black sheep, have you any wool?”. As far as I’m concerned, any change to the rhyme would be blasphemous. Unfortunately, groups have complained that calling the sheep ‘black’ is racist and therefore it should be changed to another colour.

Now give me a moment to try a few alternatives to the word ‘black’.

• “Baa baa, red sheep, have you any wool?” Jesus, that’ll give me nightmares of serial killing sheep.
• “Baa baa, happy sheep, have you any wool?” Nope, just doesn’t fit.
• “Baa baa, dark-but-not-black sheep, have you any wool?” ……

Nope, I don’t give a damn if black sheep never existed in the first place. I can simply not imagine any other colour or description that would fit in the sentence without ruining the rhyme completely.

There are circumstances of people complaining of the violent nature of nursery rhymes. Many people quote the popular ‘Humpty Dumpty’ rhyme, citing the death of the egg as a cause for concern.

Really? As far as I am concerned, any egg that is stupid enough to perch on a 2 meter high wall deserves to shatter into a billion pieces. And then be put together by a bunch of horses. I think it effectively teaches children not to sit on walls.

Then they bring up this one.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

I admit defeat here. I honestly can’t think of any defense for this one. My only conclusion is that this was written by a deranged mother who rubbed her bony hands together, cackling to herself, while ordering her children to get another bucket of water for the umpteenth time.

English words are not spared either. For example, we no longer call them ‘blackboards’, they are now ‘chalkboards’.

But think of the consequences for hundreds of other words and phrases. Here I shall try to suggest several alternatives for words that start with ‘black’.

• Blacklists -> Non-trustable-lists
• Blackbirds -> Bad-tweeties
• Black holes -> Gravity holes
• Blackmail -> You-gimme-that-I-give-you-that
• Black magic -> WA-LA-YA-YA-YA!!!

Imagine if this was implemented for real.

Alright, this is a stickup! Listen to my orders NOW or I will be forced to perform WA-LA-YA-YA-YA on you all!

Well, at least it ain’t racist.

What is English coming to?

Penis in a Pie

I was shown this article by a friend. No joke.

A teenager who tried to copy a scene from the hit film American Pie by shagging an apple pie was rushed to hospital with serious burns to his penis.

Dwight Emburger, 17, couldn’t wait for the tasty pastry to cool down and after he slid in his pecker he was badly scalded by the hot filling.

A hospital spokesman in Boise, Idaho, said: “This demonstrates that producers should consider the effects their films have on young and impressionable people.”

Young and impressionable? I’m young and occasionally impressionable, but I certainly would give it a long hard think before I shoved my dick into a plate of hot pie. Personally, I think the spokesman should have said ’stupid, unpopular and unbelievably horny’.

‘Stupid’ explains itself. I think he should have said ‘unpopular’ because this kid must really be a loner if he resorts to banging a pie.

‘Unbelievably horny’? Well, ignore the fact that he was having sex with a pie. I’m more fascinated by him not being able to wait for it to cool.

I recently posted about a man being arrested for having sex with a dead deer. The judge overruled his defense that the deer was already dead by commenting that the case was on “human behavior and on protecting sexual morality in the community, and not necessarily on animal protection.”

I wonder if human behavior and sexual morality in the community concerns trying to have sex with food. I don’t think so, because Dwight was not arrested. This comes to my first ever lesson for my readers.

Important lesson #1: If you want to have sex with an animal, smother it with gravy and cook it, wait for it to cool, and THEN have sex with it. This way, it’s legal!

Lastly, I secretly think Dwight is not the only youngster who has had his penis burned. Any bright enterpriser can now make a million dollars by designing a condom that protects against heat. This will conveniently allow ‘unbelievably horny’ people to delve right into any burning dish, without causing harm to their assets. Not only that, but the condom will also protect the dish, making it reusable!

Another gem of an idea! I suspect it will be a great success, and I request 10% of all profits.

Radioactive Maple Syrup

I love maple syrup. Especially with french toast. If I had a choice of how to die, I wouldn’t mind being forcibly drowned in maple syrup. In fact, I’d probably die first from a suger overload before suffocation.

My Dad knows this. So when his job required him to fly to Canada, he bought one 500ml bottle of pure luxurious maple syrup specially for me. Thanks Dad.

After Canada, my Dad had to fly to Baltimore, a town in the US. As my Dad passed the check-in counter, he was required to open his bag, and the Canadian airport attendant spotted the bottle of maple syrup. The conversation was something like this.

Airport Attendant: “Wait, is that a bottle of maple syrup?”

Dad: “Yes, I bought it for my s-”

Airport Attendant: “Are you flying to Washington?”

Dad: “No, I’m flying to Baltimore.”

Airport Attendant: “Oh, that’s fine. As long as you’re not taking it to Washington.”

My Dad goes on his way, and reaches another baggage check counter (the security these days) and a similar conversation follows.

Baggage Check Guy: “Ah, you have a bottle of maple syrup.”

Dad: “Yes, I bought it for my s-”

Baggage Check Guy: “Are you flying to Washington?”

Dad: “No, I’m flying to Baltimore.”

Baggage Check Guy: “Oh, that’s fine. As long as you’re not taking it to Washington.”

Now this whole story doesn’t seem perculiar until you realise that Baltimore is not more than a half hour’s drive away from Washington. Americans probably travel back and forth between Washington and Baltimore as often as they eat Big Macs. My Dad knew this and was obviously quite puzzled.

Dad: “Wait, Baltimore is only a half hour’s drive from Washington.”

Baggage Check Guy: “Yep, apparently.”

Dad: “So I can take maple syrup to Baltimore, but not to Washington?”

Baggage Check Guy: “You can take maple syrup anywhere except Washington.”

Dad: “And why?”

Baggage Check Guy: *shrugs* “Hell if I know.”

Now I can imagine a couple scenarios where maple syrup would be more dangerous than your friend’s furry hamster.

Scenario #1: German scientists suddenly discover maple syrup to be as dangerous as the atomic bomb.

Scenario #2: Americans suddenly become as addicted to maple syrup as I am, and the number of fatalities from diabetes shoots up faster than you could say “Big Mac and a large fries”.

Neither of these possibilities seem pretty likely, but I can picture them. If #1 happened to be true, imagine the danger Canada would be in, with maple syrup being sold at every other convenience store. One terrorist who won’t listen to reason could suddenly decide to send a grenade hidden in a box of maple syrup over the American border, resulting in a huge explosion and the world’s most peaceful country being reduced to a slosh of thick radioactive golden-brown liquid. So I guess I CAN understand why maple syrup is banned in some places.

But then you ask again, “Why only Washington?!”

I have no friggin’ clue. But that’s enough, I’m off to enjoy a plate of lasagna. I think I’ll stay away from the maple syrup for a while.